You know what’s fun? Voting, but not really voting.
“James, what the fuck are you talking about,” you demand of me.
I’m talking about this:
LONG BEACH, Calif. – Hillary Clinton has earned enough delegates to become the presumptive Democratic nominee, making her the first woman ever to win a major party nomination, the Associated Press reported on Monday night. A combination of pledged and superdelegates put Clinton over the mark in her contest against Vermont Sen.
That headline was published yesterday. I vote via mail-in ballot, which I sent off with plenty of time for my vote to be counted, but I think it’s really nice of the Democratic Party to ensure that whichever poor, unfortunate soul would have been tasked with the pesky duty of counting my vote has been effectively given the day off. Talk about being pro-labor! They essentially gave every California vote counter a personal day.
I wonder why they don’t just make it so the primaries are held only in the states that the parties want the results to count in.
Honestly, I’m so busy these days, I guess it wouldn’t be so bad to be told what the results are before having virtually any say in them, no matter what the election. Even if the issue at hand is literally who is going to be the most powerful and therefore important person in the world. Being involved is hard, but if the primary results can just like, get sent to my cell phone as a text or something, that’s cool.
It almost feels like I got zapped with one of this MIB wand thingies. I thought I was in a country where voting matters, have been told that all my life, and yet…I woke up from a daze and found myself in the position to have my vote matter not one fuck. Anyway, what was I saying?
Oh yeah, I voted today! Except, I live in California. So…I didn’t really vote today.
Some may want to slap the Associated Press on the back for calling the race even before the most delegate-rich state holds its primary, regardless of whether Clinton really has it sewn up or not. But I think we should be lauding the efforts of the Democratic Party for ensuring that no matter how tight the pledged delegate count, the superdelegates would DO WHAT’S BEST FOR THE COUNTRY™ and help Ms. Clinton to victory. She did in fact receive millions more votes, thanks to the Dems smartly making sure to keep those pesky independents — who both parties rely on to “swing” elections — out of the process.
Smart move, Democrats!
Sure, it really wouldn’t have hurt a damn thing for the AP to just hold off and announce Ms. Clinton the winner of the Democratic Primary until at least the votes were counted in New Jersey, but they had to get that historical moment out there into the ether! Yes, the historical moment would have still been historically significant had they waited until after the votes were cast today, but YOLO! And yeah, I guess in some way the historical moment will be forever tainted in the hearts of many who might now tacitly support Clinton, but are pretty angry over being disrespected like this, but, again, YOLO! TEAM POLITICS YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Truly, they could have waited another 24 hours to make the announcement, but what’s the fun in that? Isn’t way more conducive to announce a victory when you used presumption, political deals and handshakes behind closed doors instead of open primaries? I mean, sure, if Bernie were to win California it sure would send a strong message to the party establishment that Sanders is electable and that might make some of those superdelegates that Clinton absolutely, positively needs to put her over the top consider flipping their allegiance, which also pretty much proves how idiotic and needless they are when we have these things called “votes” to do that job for us…but…again, who cares, UNITE THE TEAM, GRAB THE POMPOMS, GOOOOOOOOOOO BLUE!
And nothing, really, truly, nothing says “United Team” like disrespecting people as “Green Tea Baggers” and implying that an independent has no right to run as a Democrat. Nothing says “We’re All One” like otherizing people because they wanted to fight for their candidate until the convention, as had regularly been the case for decades before they get tremendously butthurt over one electoral defeat that they put the superdelegates in place. That sure makes people feel welcome in your tent, let me tell you.
It definitely would have been nice to wake up and feel like at the very least my vote was at least necessary to determine some kind of outcome. Apparently, though, I misunderstood what the “Democratic” in Democrat meant. Silly me. Oh well, I’ll just go on living my life, thankful that the Machine has my best interests pre-programmed into it.
So if you need me, I’ll be over here, making up shit to put into Donald Trump’s mouth, his surrogate’s mouths, and the mouths of his supporters. Because, you know, as a Bernie or Bust guy I secretly want him to win, so the best way to do that is to point out all the things that make him terrible, natch.
God Bless the “Democratic” Party! God Bless the Associated Press! God bless God blessing everything! Kill me nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!