I Watched the GOP Debate and Then I Punched Myself in the Crotch — Which Do YOU Think Hurt More?

Well, I did it. I told myself I wasn’t going to — but I did it. I watched last night’s Fox News hosted Republican debate, or rather both of the debates since they’re still allowing people whose campaigns even their own families don’t care about anymore have a kids’ table, and then right after I got done with that four hour shit-show I punched myself in the dick…

…and I have no idea which one hurt more.

Punching my dick brought me great physical pain, but the emotional anguish of watching nearly a dozen out of touch people beg and plead with conservatives to give them more of a chance to fuck their economy up for them was almost as unbearable. I mean, was I any less squeamish when Marco Rubio careened from his love God to his love of the idea of blowing people up (or rather having people blow up other people for you since you’ve never served a day in any armed forces division) than I was when my fist collided with my junk?

Maybe you can see now why I genuinely can’t tell if watching Republicans talk about stuff for a few hours is more or less painful than direct pain to my happy-happy.

The best part of course is all the culture war shit they are still heaping onto their voters. Talks of Planned Parenthood selling baby parts and the sanctity of marriage made a nice cocktail with their inability to miss a chance to invoke their love of Christ. Yet, I can’t help but notice that Republicans have controlled the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court at many, many times throughout the time since Roe Vs. Wade was decided, and abortion is still constitutional as fuck. Why? Because they don’t actually have the ability or real desire to change it, I suspect.

Granted, they haven’t had all three branches since Roe, but surely with all the power of the bully pulpit that Reagan and the Bushes could muster they could have shamed Congress into writing a new, constitutionally-sound anti-abortion amendment right? Nope. Because the culture war is just the panacea that Republicans give their base to make them feel good about economic policies that simply never add up. Don’t get me wrong, trawling conservative social media space you’ll find all kinds of passionate defenses of trickle down, or supply side economics, and all kinds of people honestly believing that too much government, not enough, led to the 2008 economic collapse. So it’s not like conservatism is dying off, no matter how much historical evidence mounts that shows Reaganomics was a bad, bad idea.

They mocked climate change. Again. Because you know, smart scientists who tell you stuff aren’t really smart unless they’re telling you that abortion is murder. They casually dismissed the importance of marriage equality, hell of equality in general, because only crazy liberals want to make life more fair and less shitty. Why that makes us weak is because they’re taught to shun all help and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Never mind they rely on all the past successes that came before them, never mind that no one succeeds without help, they are ruggedly individual damn it!

Maybe the saddest part for me is that without Trump, the amount of douche in the room still went up, not down. It’s like they didn’t have to worry about the guy who bullied them, so they could get back to bullying liberal minded people and those that have the temerity to demand the 14th Amendment count for something. Though, in one very bright and shining moment, the whole room turned on Ted Cruz, who seemed genuinely surprised by the notion that with Trump gone, he’s the biggest shit head in the room, and would be the target of every person in his party he called “squishy” and implied weren’t as ideologically pure as he is.

So you tell me, if you had a choice between punching your own dick (or lady dick of course) or watching a bunch of repressive, out of touch rich people belittle the poor and those who want to make America better, which would you choose? All I know is that the choice leaves me thinking I don’t need a dick anymore.



About James Schlarmann 1481 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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